Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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