I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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