I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
