My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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