Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
