This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
