i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
