Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
