I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
