Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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