cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
