i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
