I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
