I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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