You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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