dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
