I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
