apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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