I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
