I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
