Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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