Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
