I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
