It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
