His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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