I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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