It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
