My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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