i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
