I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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