I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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