i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
