i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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