I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
