He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
