I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
