There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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