I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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