They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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