I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize