You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
