I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
