So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
