living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
