Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
