nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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