Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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