my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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