i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
