Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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