I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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